Hi. My name is Paula. Some of you may remember me.. if not, that's ok. Way back in 1993 I think... I founded this forum now called Clouds. I also had one of the first complete websites about chronic pain and FMS, CMPS on the Internet. Med MD had my website when then started. I have had the "letter to normals" published in a book about FMS/CMPS. Many FM websites have it, but don't know who wrote it. (laughs with a smile)

THIS IS SO LONG, IF ANYONE ACTUALLY READS THIS I WILL BE AMAZED... BUT HERE IT GOES!

I contributed to the medical community a weekly selfgraphing pain/symptom chart that was customizable, had a place every day to indicate where pain is in the body and a key that indicated what kind of pain. This allowed patients and doctors to find patterns and better management of pain. I also created a custom pain scale for FMS/CMPS.

After a few years, I was unable to keep up with the online support group that I made due to snowballing health conditions. Turbulent life also. I am amazed that I am still actually alive. I shouldn't be.
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I am extremely greatful that Rich and Shirley have adopted this support group it is still here.
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In 2004 my husband of half my life, had a crisis, and he divorced me, and in the process I lost my family. I was preoccupied with life threatening illnesses and trusted him to not take advantage, and he basically had me sign away all my human rights in the divorce. I didn't have money for an attorney and was just out of the hospital 3 days after being in there for about 20 days following a violent multi person rape to my body in addition to being very ill.. I was in no mental shape to understand or sign anything. Oh well. I lost my family and that has been unbearable.

I got a bit of pre-med and added a more to the college list when I got a medical massage therapist degree in late 2005. My only dream was to help people with chronic pain. However before I completed school I became ill with Chronic Epstein Barr Disease, Diabetes, a Metabolism Disorder and a few other things that are kinda major. Dream not possible. What is sad is that God gave me incredible talent in this. I don't understand this plan of his. I have talent to do so many things yet God took them away one at a time.. and I await to know how he wants me to use the strength He has built in my spirit, but taken from my body. It's confusing!!! I have also been a teacher of computer graphics, in a time that I really wrote my own lessons because the tech was new. Did networking for corporate customers and proficient on Mac, Pc and Silicon Graphic (had to repair those too)... Seems this stuff in my brain is so wasted...as I am physically/mentally disabled. hmph!

My hobbies... horseback riding (if possible), painting, sculpture, things of Japanese culture, love anime for grown-ups :) most is in Japanese though. I create jewelry and have a "rock collection" of misc gems I have gotten over the years.

I used to play the violin beautifully and always thought I would be in an orchestra. My favorite place to play was on the beach in Okinawa... I played with my eyes closed always (unless the music was new and I had to read the pages- and I didn't bring all that to the beach!), and I would be startled when I would stop to rosin the bow or something, open my eyes and find people totally silent around me... I had metals won in competition when I was 10 and 11, first concert age 8. Private lessons until we left Okinawa....I usually played probably more than 20 hours a week for my enjoyment... until the FMS /CMPS made playing impossible. I want to transpose some music and attempt to play a cello in 4th position (my neuropathy won't let me play in first position, notes too far apart for hand.) It will be a challenge to write music for that and learn, as anyone who has tried this has played Cello for 10+ years -- most people never do that anyhow..oh well ... um crazy. Hell... I just like to make a lot of noise! (joking.. smiling... laughting)

I have found that I am newly pregnant happened Mother's day this year. Very high risk. My top 3 illnesses would be Neuropathy, Major Depressive disorder (I lost my family in 2004), and Diabetes. The rest is there in a snowball... too many to list. (yes FMS/CMPS still there too!)

I have found out through therapy that some of the problems I have had in life are because my values and ideas and takes on life are pretty different from a girl that was raised in the united states. I lived for a long time in Okinawa, Japan, even graduated from Kubasaki High school. Part of me has a different honor and value code. I can't really find a way to explain it... But when you have been to a country where the children are naked playing in dirt with trash and families are proud to have a full size mattress for 5 ppl to live in a cardboard house with a grass roof... Gosh so much more... I am way over sensitive I think for all that to have made me the core of who I am now after constant hardship of my own life as well.. So many days I just had God to talk to and everything I have ever had has been taken from me, including my family. I thought at that time what worse could happen? In 2004.